Runnin' around Oslo

Editor's note: Obviously, I wrote most of this commentary while I was overseas, but of course I've been back in the US for over a week now.

Well, I'm sitting here in my hotel in Oslo during day 45 (I'm approximating) of what has to rank as the most surreal experiences in my life, stuck in Norway indefinitely because of a volcano explosion in Iceland. It's 4 am and I can't sleep, and I just heard an MLB radio broadcast of Colorado Rockies pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez pitching a no-hitter. I also have been hearing people shouting in the streets for several hours now about who knows what. About a half hour I thought I heard someone get shot, but that's probably not the case. On that note, it is certainly the case that I ran by the scene of a murder in downtown Cleveland eight days ago, roughly 30 minutes after it happened; had I finished my work and left on time like I wanted, I might have been a witness. Hard to imagine why I can't sleep tonight.

Anyway, it hasn't all been sitting in my hotel being freaked out and pining for the US. I've had some time to wander around Oslo, and took some photos to document it. The first afternoon I was here, I took a 17-mile run around the city during which I was almost constantly lost in Oslo's bizarre maze of streets. MC Escher was Dutch, but it's entirely possible that the Norwegians borrowed him to lay out this city. Anyway, here's what I found:

I actually took this photo in my hotel in Kristiansand, before I got shuttled to Oslo on the morning of the volcano, just before Norwegian airspace was shut down. First time I ever got on an aeroplane without a boarding pass. It's weird the way they make a bed at this place - it's two beds that are individually too small for an adult (even a skinny one like me) mashed together. Weird. Also, I was staying at the Hotel Norge, causing me to have either "Hotel California" or "Hotel Yorba" in my head for most of my stay.


This was the first picture I took in Oslo, in the Lufthavn, prior to embarking on the run: the departures board. You may not be able to see it, but all of the right-hand column entires read the same thing: Cancelled. ("Bestillt.") Hence this photoblog.


This is the Domkirke, but for all you know it's Big Ben. At least maybe the Norwegian answer to Big Ben, which I suppose they would call Bøg Byn.


I made my way over just East of the city center to Tøyen Park; here is the museum dedicated to Norway's most famous artist, Edvard Munch. I visited the next day, assuming that his most famous painting, "Scream," ("Skrik" in Norsk) would be there, but there was just a sketch. I did like a painting of his titled "The Murderess." The real "Scream" is downtown in the National Gallery, along with a bunch of really lousy paintings by someone named Bendik Riis. His work was so bad that I thought I'd gone into a room where they keep paintings by kids they have visit the museum and give art lessons. I seriously thought this - they have such a room in Cleveland. Not only was Riis' work awful, but he always wrote his name in huge letters on every work, which I found irksome.


A better shot of the entrance to the Munch Museet. Seeing this reminds me of the Warhol museum in Pittsburgh, which always struck me as kinda pathetic since Warhol basically jilted Pittsburgh for New York as soon as he got famous. Upon reading about Munch, it seems he did the same to Oslo in favor of France and Deutschland. But Pittsburgh has a good non-Andy art museum, and Oslo has a nice non-Munch one, so everyone wins.


The botanical gardens, located in the same park as Munch.


A natural history museum, also in the same area. Wow, such culture! If I hadn't traveled 4000 miles to see all these things, I'd have to go at least 3.5 miles in Cleveland to get to an area (University Circle) with an art museum, natural history museum, and botanical gardens.


Bislett Stadion, where the Oslo Osprey FC plays. I made that up. Interestingly, a bunch of other stuff in that area shares its name with the Stadion, only it's always spelled "Bislet." As a side note, I've already taken about six wrong turns. I've gone about 1.5 miles out of my way as a result; I cut several small loops out of my final route to accomodate the extra distance I put in trying to figure out these stupid roads. Thus, you're not getting any photos of Ibsen's grave. The streets never stay the same for long, always changing names on a whim, terminating randomly, refusing to self-identify, and going into three-points traffic circles where you have to guess which is the one you want to remain on. Incredibly frustrating.


I have no idea what this is, but the facade looks like the Matterhorn ride that used to be at the Tuscarawas County Fair. Turns out it's the logo for Oslo's major newspaper.


Hogwarts College of Magic and Wizardry.


Modern art, I guess.


Random photo of the open-air city centre in Oslo, taken from Karl-Johan Gate. One of the 20 or so Norsk words I know is gate, which means street. I feel like Marcus in Last Crusade, wandering around and wondering if anyone speaks English. I actually got better after a week - I couldn't make much out when people were speaking, but I could read menus and street signs with reasonable proficiency. In other news, there are no tall buildings in Oslo.


This is either Oslo University's law school, or else it's not.


The Royal Palace of Norway, where King Harald and Queen Sonia reside. Whenever I think of modern royalty, I always go back to Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad at the press conference, saying "for no matter how silly the idea of having a queen may seem to us..." I also think of him forgetting to take off his microphone when he goes to pee after speaking. What a great movie.


The Greek Embassy. I tossed them a few Euros out of charity. Topical!


What up, Abraham Lincoln? It's not clear to me what he was doing in this Norwegian park, but it was nice to say hi to a fellow countryman.


What was I trying to take a photo of here? The Oslo City Museum. What did I end up photographing? Some random barn in Frogner Park...which may or may not be said City Museum. There's just no way to know. Did you know my home state of Ohio has more than twice the population of all of Norway? It's true.


By far the most bizarre thing in the entire city is this bridge lined with creepy bronze sculptures of naked men, women, and children on the way into Vigeland Sculpture Park. Vigeland was a Norwegian artist who, apparently, had no artistic interests other than sculpting weird naked people. I simply can't say enough about how weird this was. This photo of two boys apparently doing yoga or taking psychedelic drugs was about the least weird one I could find. You read that right.


These two naked dudes staring at each other was one of the stranger ones I located. I'm not going to lie, I took this purely for my own amusement.


After you cross Weird Naked People Bridge, you end up in the main area of Vigeland Sculpture Park, which features dozens more statues by the same artist. I know what you're wondering, and I'm happy to say that, yes, many of them are weird naked people. This one is four naked people holding up the Olympic Torch.


A spire consisting entirely of nude bronze figures. I would have written that same sentence as a joke if not for the fact that it's true.


A circle...you get the idea.


Norwegian statue sex at its finest.


On my way back, I was denied entry to the park where the Royal Palace was - this stern-looking guard closed the gate and didn't seem interested in having me visit, so I had to change my route for the 56th time. The funny thing is, there were numerous wide-open pathways to the Palace - just not this one. It reminds me of the old sketch of The State where the prisoner escapes: "You know that wide-open gate over there? I walked through it."


But look what I found: the US Embassy! I thought this was great: every other country I saw had an unassuming little townhouse, while the US has this big fucking black fortress with a big metal fence around it. You do not fuck with the United States Embassy.


This way you can tell I didn't just download all of these photos from the Oslo entry of Wikipedia.